Going violent

P was arrested the night before my birthday in June fon ten charges. This time, her list of charges include an assault and car jacking. After three weeks inside, three new charges from another town were added. She was on probation at the time. I also know that she got into trouble on her way back up from Florida in VA. She was arrested there for possession, my Dad borrowed money that he will never be able to pay bac to his brother to get her out. I am increasingly blaming him for sheilding her from the reality of the situation she has created. How is anyone ever supposed to learn from their mistakes if you keep erasing her mistakes (by paying her phone bill, by buying her a car, by paying her insurance, etc.)? I have had this discussion with my Dad at verious times - I told him he needs to stop, but he is now a full fledged co-dependent. He can't stop and he is contributing to her death.

My only hope now is that she has finally gone far enough that the state will take control of the situation and send her away for a while. I hate to say that,but his is what you say after five years of going through everything like this. I woke up - coincidentally - on my birthday and called her (before I knew where she was). I had been doing this for months, to no avail. When I found out I could actualy see her, that's howI decided to spend my birthday - in jail, looking through a glass window at my baby sister, strung out, helpless and the day after she terrified a woman probably my Mom's age in the parking lot of a grocery store. Talk about mixed emotions.

Her court date is Jul 23. She is hoping to go to drug court and even though the penalities are much stronger if you fail on drug court (she knows this but I know is not thinking that far ahead, she just sees an opportunity to avoid prison time). I hope she does go to drug court. I know that drug court is one of the few things our system does that actually has a decent rate of success. The suffering, not only for her, but for everyone in my family has to end soon. And, I fear her next offense might really hurt someone. She has become dangerous to others, my baby sister.

Florida failed

It began again in September 2008. I got a call from my mother that P had been having problems at her sponsors house. For the year that she was there, she was messing around with her sponsor's husband. She made up a story about him molesting her (she is 31 yrs old). Her sponsor found out and asked her to leave. She had no where to go, my parents wanted her to stay with me because I have an extra room. So, when I came back from visiting a friend in Michigan, she moved in with me. It lasted a month until she started having problems, talked to my mom about going to a rehab, and then freaked out the night before she was supposed to go. She left my house in the middle of the night, leaving a note that said she had to go have sex before she went away for a month. Soon after this, she found a place of her own. I really can't remember how this came about. I know when she moved in, it was on a temporary basis. Anyway, when she foudn the place, instantly there were inconsistencies about issues with her deposit, etc. and we soon came to learn that she had written her new landlord a bad check. She started doing really weird things, like showing up at my parents with her new boyfriend and saying she was going to Atlantic City. HELLO!

Anyway, this situation deteriorated in about 5 days time. The crazy calls from the boyfriend that he's worried about P started (each time this happens, one of P's friend's calls someone in my family it seems) and we learned that P had been using or at least escorting for a while. So, her one year clean thing was a sham. Somewhere around Day 5, we hadn't heard from her, couldn't find her, so there we were again, at a different house, in a different town, me, my other sister and the family friend who I have spoekn about here - standing outside her door wondering if P was dead or alive inside.

This time, when J shimmied the door open, P came to the door. She lied for about an hour straight and then I saw a shadow in the closet. It was a very young girl that P had had stay over. I don't know what the situation had been, but it wasn't good.

After that, we didn't know where P was. Soon, we started to get calls. She was going to check herself in to a rehab through the hospital (Kimball, Toms River). She got cold feet when she got there and she called my parents to meet her. She kept texting. My parents went there and couldn't find her. This was an all day drama. Then, P called me and told me she was hiding in the parking lot of the hospital and watching my mother and father and that she wanted to kill herself. She calmed down and eventually got herself to my parents where I was.

P then disappeared for a few days. We got a call from her while we were all on the beach one night fishing with our father. She was writing all these crazy text messages and going on and on about how she wanted to kill her self. This caused my father to panic. We convinced her to go to Monmouth Medical Center. She had a friend drop her off there. We all met her at the hospital. Sat and talked to her for a long time ( you know the usual "you can do this", "your strong" , "we support you"). We left her there. The hospital was suppose to find her a treatment facility.

Once again the hospital called in the middle of the night saying they could no longer keep her (what they were really saying is she has no insurance so she has to get the fuck out). Dad went and picked her up and she stayed with them for the night. The next day she went to work with our mother and waited outside in the car until my mother got off (she can not be trusted to be left alone in any of our houses). Mom then took her to a local rehab.

P did her 30 days in that facility but couldn't wait to get out. She refused to go into a sober living house, says they are not good for her. So her ex-husband agrees to allow her to stay with him and her children.

It's March 2009 now. P is still using. In a last ditch effort, my parents put her on a plane to Florida to stay with our Dad while he is here for the winter. The plan failed and after two and a half weeks, she returned to NJ and began using within days. The whole thing came about when my Mother found that P was stealing checks from her ex-husband who had let P stay with her after she had worn out her welcome at all of our homes (me really, and her sponsor - who she totally screwed [or whose husband she totally screwed to put it bluntly]). I also learned that in addition to stealing checks from her ex, she also stole her son's video games and never bought her two children presents she said she was buying for Christmas. She borrowed money from my parents for this. I don't know why my parents continue to give her money, but they do. They would probably save money by renting a house of their own and devoting a month or two to exclusive P treatment if you think about it.

I resolved after the lies and stealing from her children that I did not want her to think that was okay, no matter what. So, I have not spoken to her.

My parents continue to, but my mother seems to warp the whole ordeal...my father tries too hard.

At last call in, she had been attacked, she was seeing an infectious disease doctor, wouldn't talk to anyone on the phone until my Dad threatened to turn off her cell phone and she just asked my mother for money for food, but she refuses to go grocery shopping with her.

go figure - Intervention - we need you!

Frellin 'addicts

Well, it's been a while now since I wrote here. Been a bit self-obsessed following what I took to be quite good advice from my old Boss 'best thing to do in these situations is minimise the damage' (that an addict can do). What I think he meant was, don't go down the toilet with yer mates. I found it liberating as a recovering Catholic school girl. I'm not Jesus, I'm not a martyr and the more you feel responsible for people, the less they learn how to become responsible for themselves.

Justifying selfishness? I don't know. Maybe when we think about approaches to intervention we need to be willing more to take into account the reference point (the unique addict). Some people need a lot of help and for some people, it absolutely keeps them imprisoned (in a metaphorical sense).

So, concrete updates on the sis. P finally began having visits with her two children again 3 weeks ago. This is interesting because she is only allowed supervised visits at the moment, and these take place every Sunday at our house. The reason it is so interesting is because I don't think anyone could have actually foreseen just how difficult it is for the three of them. Her son who is 11 seems to be adjusting the best; her daughter who is 7 seems to be having the most difficulty and I am not sure how she herself is doing. Imagine storing up all of your feelings and thoughts, not only for the week, that you have in regards to your Mom, but then add to that 2 years of 'off again on again' relationship status, and kerpow! It's like a brooding explosion that always pops at some point during their 3-5 hour visits.

I think divorce is probably one of the most immature, selfish things that there is. This isn't what I always thought, even though I am the child of divorce. Watching her children deal with that is worse than having them deal with her addiction, times ten. But, this is a side point. Also, the collateral consequences of their mother being single also wear on her tenacity. For instance, as many recovering addicts do (even though they are not technically supposed to), my sister P got involved with someone she met at group. He seemed like a nice guy until the day when his *girlfreind' got out of prison and P was kicked to the curb faster than yu can say 'latah!' The whole thing was bizarre; he went from adoring, gentle guy to psycho in 2.2 seconds. People get addicted to people that are bad for them just as they get addicted to substances, unfortunately.

And on the family friend, J, well, there's been a lot of activity with him. My instinct tells me that he is using again, but he is almost as good of a liar as my sister. Last week, he walked out of IOP (not sure what it stands for, some sort of probation program) because he had a 'false positive' urine. Apparently, this means that it looked like he was 'flushing' or drinking so much water that his level of some chemical was high. His walking out when he got this news does not make him look innocent. The fact that he took off on an impromtu business trip the next day missing two important appointments the following week does not do him any favours either. He has a court date May 9 about the custody of his children. He's a mess - I don't know what else to say , or to do.

In the meantime, life must go on.

Dealing with local jails

Well, for the sake of continuity, I feel obliged to update the status of 'P', one of our sisters before going on to report on my personal dealings with a local jail.

'P' is now heading for almost 90 days clean. In the interim, she was hospitalised due to a staff infection that she gets rather regularly now. She was also diagnosed with Hepatitis C. These are the consequences of her earlier behaviour (intravenous drug use and risky sexual activity). These are things no government can take away, things no amount of therapy can correct. She has them, and now must live with them. What she realised she did not have to live with, was a job that did not offer her medical insurance or ample time for sick days. To her benefit, she successfully sought out alternative employment, and now enjoys a job for which she was trained following one of her rehabs. She has an office.

An old family friend, 'J', I mentioned in my last post. He is also in recovery and on probation for an incident that happened when his marriage fell apart (he attacked a man that was in his house, having sex with his wife). He is divorced and, paying child support for 2 young children and alimony. A few weeks ago, J went in to probation to pay his child support. Apparently, if you are on probation, you pay probation the money and they track where it goes (into an account they have set up for the payees). He went in on a Friday. What happened next I would not have believed had I not been an eye-witness to the court proceedings the following Monday.

J was arrested; they told him that there was a warrant for his arrest for non-payment. This did not make sense to J, but given his experiences with the CJ system, he had learned to be a 'good little boy' and just do what he was told. He was not given a lawyer. His case manager was on vacation (confirmed in court on Monday).

On Monday, after four days now incarcerated and under state control, and out of work (J works construction and had jobs throughout the weekend), J finally saw a Judge. Now, this is interesting as well. I called the jail and found out when he would be seeing a Judge. So, I was present in the courtroom. However, J was not. Instead, the 'prisoners' were seen by the Judge via live video feed from the jail which is a few blocks away from the courthouse. So, when his name was called and he appeared on screen to the courtroom, J was not told who was in the 'audience'.

I have been told since then that this is 'public', thus, there is no requirement to inform prisoners of who is present in the court. I think this is bullshit. It seems a violation of basic rights to me. If he were actually present in court, he would know who was there, bearing witness. This way, he and none of the other men (and one woman) on trial are aware of who is watching them. If it made me uncomfortable ( I felt salacious and sneaky watching these people without their consent), it certainly seems it should make them uncomfortable. And, let's not forget, these are people who have not been found guilty of anything yet!

So, J's name is called and instantly, the Judge and 2 prosecutors there realise that they have the wrong person. That's right ladies and gentleman, they simply had not bothered to check the birthdays or social security numbers, it was just Js plain dumb luck that he had the same name as someone who had failed to make his payments.

And, what is worse is that even after that miscarriage of justice, he was simply dismissed --- AFTER SIX more hours of processing in the jail. Not only that, but when we went to pick him up at the jail release spot, WE were treated with disrespect.

So, in sum, this man was locked up for four days, for doing nothing, made to wait an additional six hours even after they realised it was THE PROBATION department's mistake - and, as far as I can tell by the resounding silence on the issue now, weeks later - made to feel that this type of treatment is first of all legal (which it is NOT) and normal. In essence, the message is, 'You're a piece of garbage and therefore have no rights becauise of things you did in the past' which violates just about every constitutional and human right I know of.

I wrote the jail to report the abuses I suffered (When I went to collect this man, a correctional guard told me - after waiting at the jail for 3 hours longer than I was told - that he would 'get out when he gets out'. I said 'when is that?' to which I was told, 'When I finish this cigarette and run the warrants'. Wow. So, you have to consider here that if you make any trouble, another 'mistake' could happen and that unless you have the money to hire a lawyer, you have to accept it. However, since reading also this series in the Boston Globe and listening to President Jimmy Carter a few weeks ago, I think I am not going to let this go despite the obvious obstacles of time and money. When my own schedule calms down, I will go to the local papers. I did receive a reply from the jail; they told me who to contact (a Captain). I called him and left a voicemail. he never called me back. I wrote the jail again. We'll see what happens.

This probably doesn't make much sense now, when I have a chance I will come back and revise.

til then...

Update: fines, laws and 60 days clean

It's fall now. P has been clean for almost 60 days. She has a job. We hope, but we do so now with less anticipation.

P has had to pay for her own 'hair test'. Drug offenders now have to have their hair strands tested as urine samples are too unreliable. They also are asked to shell out huge sums of money at a moments notice for their tests. I understand the punishment rationale, but considering the enormous financial impact most addicts have already had on their families - not to mention the precariousness of employment due to felon unfriendly hiring practices - this requirement seems to work against the goal of desistance (the cessation of alcohol and substance abuse).

I learned today that there was federal legislation passed in the last ten years that denies anyone with a felon drug offense from receiving public assistance. Unless you have children or mental illness, you cannot get welfare or other 'cash assistances' (though I am not exactly clear on what this means, I think it means the new welfare and things like food stamps. P and another recovering addict I have become familiar with in the last 2 weeks both receive medical assistance. P has Medicaid but she has children (though not in her care); 'J' gets 'charity care' and has children though they are not formally in his care either.

Recovering addicts drink red-bull a lot and smoke a lot.

I read a study yesterday that disaggregated one of the most major criminological findings that exists, criminality is most strongly related to age. Apparently, however, this 'age-crime' curve as it is known to criminologists is slightly different for whites and for different behaviours.

(This is where I need to learn how to add images, in the meantime, I will try and explain):

Most people commit most of their delinquent acts between the ages of 18 and 27, after that there is a dramatic decline that does not rise again. However, for blacks the decline is not as steep and rises a bit again after age 30.

Property crimes begin earlier and fall sooner, violent crimes take longer to increase and once established, longer to cease.

I will pick up on this later...out of time

She's back

She's back. From the underground of Asbury or some such place.

For me, I have lost some willingness or ability to feel anything about it. Not only that, but I don't feel guilty either.

Maybe this time will be the time she really gets out of the drugs for good. We'll see...

P and her Biker

We found out last night that P is now shacked up with a 50 year old biker. Great. Apparently, the sheriff's found her and arrested her for not showing up to her court dates. She was in jail for a night. This guy bailed her out at a $1,600.00. Egads.

She told my Dad she is going to a 30 day outpatient treatment. I doubt this will happen. I hope it does, but this is about the gazillion time she has said this - not including the times we have tried and walked her through going only to have her sign herself out. She needs a long term program - far away. Everyone seems to know this, but there is no money to pay for it. If there is through charity care or Medicaid that she could apply for,m then there are no spots open.

My Dad came home from work early yesterday after talking to her. I think it just takes such a toll on him. He said he told her he would take her for dinner tonight. I asked him if he though I could go but he said it would be too much for her and maybe he is right.

Her kids were with us yesterday (I took the day off from work). Her daughter stayed the night. They won't ever be right. I say this not out of pessimism, but realism. It's just what happens. Feckin life. Sux.